Learning to Respond Not React - Tara Brach

I lied this morning.

I went to Dinner Detective this weekend at the Marriott.  There were at least 60 people there. My table was filled with people and everyone sat next to each other but no one sat next to me.  It allowed me to RULE the table.  I spread my stuff out. I had other members at the table do things for me. Although I was there on my own...I left very happily because unbeknownst to them I had been struggling for 8 long years trying to find myself after my family "died". 

In January 2013, I was trying to LIVE.  I had a technical writing job. I caught 3 buses and walked 3 miles every single day to go to work. Why? Well, I had moved into a trailer with Virgil Gaddy. We had been engaged to marry. Virgil and I lived in 4 places actually but that's another story...Three of those places were his idea.  I lived in a perpetual nightmare because I choose to follow the life path that my rapists and abusers outlined for me from childhood. 

Yes, you read that right. Long before Jehovah's Witnesses came into my family - rape, domestic violence, starvation, degradation, you name it - was our existence. As bad as it was for me, it was even worse for my sister Carolyn and my brother Tony.  They were darker-skinned than me so even though the family despised us all at least racist strangers showed me kindness. They bought me toys. They checked on me. They even called Children's Protective Service because of what was being done to me was much more apparent than on my siblings.  My light skin saved me from what they endured. My brother had to have reconstructive surgery for what was done to him.  My sister's mind was completely scrambled for what was done to her...she learned to become a monster herself - that's the way she chose to survive. Multiple personality disorder, drug dependency...true but they are not an excuse for the evil she has done and what she continues to do to this day.  

I feel for her children but I have had my own dragons to destroy - haven't I?  

I have had to resist the vile spirits/memories/phantoms of my own despicable childhood - haven't I? For every kindness shown to me by strangers, I was severely punished for it. I learned not to smile. I learned not to laugh. I learned not to try to have friends or any joy in the presence of my so-called family.

Then the Jehovah's Witnesses came with all the lies and fakery that could be mustered. It's a numbers game to them - nothing more at least that is the Kingdom Hall that was in our neighborhood. We lived a block away and no Jehovah's Witness would pick us up for church. We had to walk.  My Aunt Brenda Williams had a car and had brought the Jehovah's Witness curse into our lives but she could not be bothered to take us to the Kingdom Hall. 

Here's a tip:  If a so-called good person does not show compassion for their family members they are not a good person. 

I come from a family of not good people...I forced myself not to believe it...If I actually allowed myself to see the truth of who they are, the Lone Star State would have had my spirit floating around haunting the death row right to this day.

That was supposed to be my destiny.  I was supposed to kill all of my family members and then be executed by the State of Texas. I let this comment and similar ones be said about me and to me. In my own mind, I had other plans. I decided that I would live my own life but it was too much for me. I am only human after all.  When I would not kill them. They tried to coerce me into suicide. This made me laugh.  They used voodoo against me. They used voodoo against my children.  Mary Ann Mayo was very instrumental in these voodoo spells all for them to backfire upon her and her family. It is Michael Hosea, her twin who sits in a Texas cell for murder and not me.

Learning to Respond Not React

I have been doing this all along...it was survival for me.  I slathered myself with plaster to cover "my gold" as was done with the Buddha. I weathered many storms. Even as my own sons turned against me because I was so poor.  Their eyes could not see me even though I was their mother. They could not see each other. It has taken me almost a decade but finally, I see my own golden self.  I am finally able to shine, glisten, and be seen for who I am.  

I ruled Table 5 this weekend with grace, dignity, intelligence, and laughter... when I came home to my spacious beautiful cottage I wept with joy and thanked Elohim for His Benevolence and the fulfillment of His Promises.  My cup doth runneth over!

I want to say a special blessing right now for Scuba & Amen, Sheldon Cooper, Oscar T. Grouch, his sons Lewis and Gingy, and last but certainly not least Madre Teresita. 

It could have been a weird night. It could have been a negative night. Since I am beautiful, honest, kind, and funny. That's the kind of experience it was. 

By the way, my alias was Her Literariness J. K. Rowling... she's my shero because her upbringing was on par if not more desolate than mine, God bless her heart.

At the Marriott, Dinner Detective

After all is said in done, I guess I did not lie this morning to my colleagues...my weekend was Fab!

I even stayed after to take a picture of my favorite actors (well their assets that is! LOL!) You should have heard their comedy - that picture is appropriate! LOL! When Dinner Detective comes to your town get your tickets and be there on time! 

This is my video after Dinner Detective   

https://www.instagram.com/p/CZDuiTrrxgy/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link 

Follow me on my Instagram too! LOL!